The Holidays And The Quiet Reality Of No Contact

The holiday season, which just passed, is usually a time for family and friends to spend more time together. However, for children who’ve gone no contact with their parents, typically as a last resort related to continued mistreatment or abuse, the holidays can be painful, complicated, and…peaceful.

When the season hurts and heals

As someone whose spouse has gone “no contact” with his mother, I know first-hand how confusing these feelings can be.

If you’re navigating tense family dynamics this time of year, Harvard Health shares practical strategies in Navigating tricky relationships during the holidays.

For a DivsFeed perspective on protecting your energy during family-heavy seasons, see How To Get Through The Holidays Without Burning Out.

How common estrangement really is

Parent-child estrangement is a lived reality for millions. Cornell University research shows that nearly one-third of Americans are estranged from a family member, a statistic that underscores how widespread and enduring this phenomenon has become.

According to Psychologist Joshua Coleman, most estrangements between a parent and an adult child are started by the child, according to a 2015 survey of more than 800 people.

A survey of mothers from 65 to 75 years old with at least two living adult children found that about 11 percent were estranged from a child and 62 percent reported contact less than once a month with at least one child.

What was once whispered about in therapy sessions is now openly discussed in books and podcasts. The conversation has shifted from secrecy to visibility, forcing society to confront uncomfortable truths about toxic family relationships.

Mental Health Professionals on Estrangement

Estrangement is never just about one thing, one incident, one insult.

Boundaries that aren’t impulsive

Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Lindsay Gibson frames estrangement in her book, “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,” as a necessary boundary rather than an impulsive decision.

Many adult children cut ties, not to be cruel, but to protect themselves and their own families. For some, estrangement becomes the only way to reclaim a sense of self and safety.

Reframing estrangement in this way changes the narrative that it’s a selfish act done simply to avoid difficult conversations, positioning it, instead, as an act of dignity when reconciliation has proven impossible.

Estrangement is never easy or straightforward, and the American Psychological Association explores the complexity in Estrangement is never easy or straightforward. Psychologists can help.

Low-effort families, high-effort loyalty

Psychologist Dr. Sherrie Campbell, who frequently addresses family dynamics on Instagram and TikTok, adds another layer to this understanding: low-effort families, as she calls them, often expect high-effort loyalty.

When connection demands self-erasure, distance becomes an act of preservation. Her insight reframes estrangement as a redistribution of emotional energy toward survival rather than obligation.

When “no contact” goes mainstream

The topic gained mainstream traction when Oprah’s podcast episode, “When Families Cut Ties,” aired in late 2025.

Featuring experts and people with lived experience, the episode highlighted the emotional weight of going “no contact.” One guest described walking away to protect their child from judgment and harm, a decision that felt drastic but necessary.

Although Oprah emphasized listening without moralizing, her reactions revealed surprise and alarm at the idea of adult children severing ties completely with their parents.

Oprah’s response may speak to a generational divide. Many in the boomer generation endured mistreatment or abuse because they believed they had no choice but to accept their parents as they were.

They often remained loyal despite decades of toxic relationship dynamics.

In contrast, millennials and Gen Z increasingly recognize that tolerating harmful behavior can lead to long-term damage in mental health, relationships, and overall well-being.

This shift reflects a broader cultural movement toward boundaries and self-preservation, even when it means breaking with tradition. According to Collective Counseling Solutions, younger generations are more willing to prioritize mental health over rigid family loyalty, signaling a significant cultural paradigm shift.

For a gentle grounding practice when boundaries bring up guilt, see 10 Simple Ways To Practice Self-Kindness Every Day.

Why Estrangement Happens

The reasons for estrangement are varied but often rooted in emotional neglect, abuse, or rigid expectations.

Cycles that feel impossible to break

Gibson’s work explains how emotionally immature parents project their own flaws onto their children, creating cycles of harm that can feel impossible to break and making reconciliation unrealistic.

Oprah’s special reinforced this point, noting estrangement is frequently about survival rather than spite. Guests spoke of choosing peace over toxicity, a choice that outsiders frequently misinterpret as impulsive, avoidant, or cruel.

When people call it a “trend”

One of the most dismissive refrains from older generations is that estrangement is a “trend,” a cultural fad akin to lifestyle choices. This framing trivializes the pain of those who sever ties.

Estrangement is a structural response to systemic dysfunction. As Psychologist Lindsay Gibson warns, compassion for parents can become a trap, binding adult children to relationships that hurt them.

For stories that capture how complicated and long-building these rifts can be, see The Guardian’s reporting on families torn apart by “no contact”.

The “final straw” that wasn’t really final

Kristina Scharp, PhD, a professor of communication at Rutgers University–New Brunswick who studies estrangement explains that when an estrangement occurs, lots of people report a “final straw” moment.

Typically, this event has been preceded by a whole host of relational struggles and conflicts, sometimes spanning decades.

Other times, estrangement can be the result of a relationship that slowly dissolves over time, with no specific moment that marks its ending.

Toward a Hard (But Liberating) Truth

Estrangement isn’t liberation without grief. Yet alongside grief comes relief: the ability to exist without fear of judgment or manipulation by one’s own parents.

Grief and relief at the same time

This paradox seems to define estrangement.

The growing visibility of estrangement reflects broader cultural shifts toward prioritizing mental health and boundaries.

Resistance seems as if it’s remaining strong, particularly among older generations who have relatively rigid views on family loyalty. It also forces society to reckon with the limits of familial obligation versus self-preservation.

AP News has also reported on how the demand for guidance around estrangement is showing up in public-facing family advice spaces in For some Dobson kids, focusing on the family led to estrangement.

Everyone deserves peace and sometimes this is the only way to get it. We’re all flawed human beings, but that doesn’t mean anyone should tolerate ongoing mistreatment or abuse from anyone.

We should keep that first and foremost in our minds when deciding who to keep in our lives and who to show the door to.

The truth is estrangement is the price paid when families refuse to confront their own dysfunction. But healing is possible with support and by surrounding yourself with the family that you choose as an adult.

If distance has also brought loneliness or disconnection, you may relate to The Loneliness Epidemic: Why We Feel Disconnected (Even When …).